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PARIS – In a long overdue move, the International Association for Getting It On has officially downgraded heavy petting to first base. The move reclassifies French Kissing as a sacrifice bunt and intercourse as a mere triple.
“This decision was a long time coming,” said IAGIO president Becky Lawrence. “Tongue kissing should not equal a base in today’s fuck-first-ask-questions-later society. I mean, have you seen the sort of delightful filth they put on TV these days?”
“The more we embrace our current sexual norms, the healthier our attitudes toward sex will be,” Lawrence added. “No matter how utterly disgusting and depraved we are all becoming, it is ultimately a beautiful expression of our sexual appetites and imaginations.”
The exact effect this will have on budding relationships is unclear, but there is one huge question that has yet to be answered: with sex being demoted to third base, how does one hit a home run now?
“Well I can’t tell you exactly how to do it on record because we’re still experimenting,” Lawrence said. “But I can say it involves several barnyard animals, a tripod, Lawrence of Arabia, and the Japanese.”
