QUEBEC – After receiving thousands of complaints related to pouring issues, bagged milk distributor Saputo has begun attaching a nipple to milk bags for increased dispensing control. The dairy gi…
Tag: Milk
Sick fuck stores milk carton on its side
Markham, ON – Local man, Mark Hamilton, stores his milk carton on it’s side like a goddamn fucking animal. “It’s just more ergonomic this way,” stated a deranged Hamilton, who wedged the af…
Andrew Scheer’s dry January fails after slamming gallon of 2%
OTTAWA – A nearly successful dry January ended in disaster, and extreme gastrointestinal discomfort, this past weekend when opposition leader Andrew Scheer decimated a gallon of 2% milk in …
Scheer promises to add milk chugging challenge to Canadian food guide
OTTAWA – At a press conference held earlier today, Leader of the Conservative Party, Andrew Scheer, promoted the inclusion of consuming several litres of whole milk in less than an hour int…
Local woman aroused by telling people she’s off dairy
MONTREAL – Local woman Sara Cloutier’s decision to spread the word about cutting dairy products from her diet produced an unexpected but pleasurable sensation in her body over the weekend. When r…
New Canada Food Guide asks, ‘You really gonna eat that?’
OTTAWA – Canada’s Food Guide is getting a complete overhaul, revamping the ten-year-old publication to deliver a clear nutritional message: “You’re doing it wrong.” The new Food Guide will …
‘Buy American’ legislation forces man to source his kangaroo milk from Nebraska
OHIO- As a result of the America-first economic policies of Donald Trump, Ohioan Brad Frasier now has no recourse but to use inferior, Nebraskan-quality Kangaroo products. “How am I supposed to p…
Tim Hortons celebrates Canada 150 by replacing Double-Double with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuple
OAKVILLE, ON – In celebration of Canada’s 150th birthday, Canada’s favourite coffee chain will replace their world famous Double-Doubles with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuples for a limited ti…
Huge Misstep: Is Trump over now that he’s angered Canadian dairy producers?
Unbelievable. It turns out that picking a fight with one of the most powerful and beloved institutions in the world might finally be the thing that brings down Donald Trump. “As a nationalist, I …
Tragedy: Milk bag spout cut too wide
Markham, ON — Tragedy struck a family home Tuesday morning after local father Russ Melman cut the spout of a milk bag too wide. Mr. Melman said he immediately realized his mistake, but the …