GUELPH, ON – Against all odds local man Jack Whitehall has managed to engage in a carefully nuanced discussion of the current strife between Israel and Palestine without saying anything tha…
World
NSA using stored data to write coming-of-age novels
WASHINGTON – The latest shocking release from the Snowden leaks has revealed that the National Security Agency has been stealing the biographical details of American citizens for use in the…
Angela Merkel calls on Brazil to stop importing German goals
BELO HORIZONTE – In the wake of Germany’s 7-1 World Cup semifinal trouncing of Brazil, Angela Merkel called on Brazil to cut back on its importation of German goals. “This sort of imbalance…
Local woman concerned Thai coup could endanger lives, upcoming vacations
GUELPH, ON – In the wake of a military coup d’etat in Thailand that has thrown the country into chaos as protesters and soldiers do battle in the streets, local woman Steffanie Bruner has a…
Experts searching for Malaysian Flight 370 report ‘Fuck it, it was aliens’
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Upon completing their submersible drone sweep of the floor of the Indian ocean, researchers searching for the missing Malaysian airline flight 370 say they have reached…
Road accidents spike following release of Jumanji: Travel Edition
NORTH AMERICA – The continent’s highways erupted in chaos today when thousands of elephants, rhinos, and giant spiders suddenly appeared in events related to the new popular travel ve…
G8 meetings a ‘lot less fun’ without Putin
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – Following the suspension of Russian President Vladimir Putin from the Group of Eight, meetings between the world leaders have become “stiff”, “overly business-like”, and…
Celebrity visit to disaster zone helps replenish dwindling supply of celebrities
MANILA – In an act of entertainment humanitarianism, a famous celebrity visited a disaster zone to restock a dangerously low supply of renowned entertainers. “These people have nothing to a…
Ex-Pope Benedict caught playing mini-golf in cutoff jean shorts
THE HOLY SEE – Former Pope Benedict XVI has been spotted for the first time since his abrupt retirement playing a round of mini golf in the suburbs of Rome while sporting cutoff jean shorts. The …
EXCLUSIVE: Fate of missing Malaysian airplane finally conjectured upon
KUALA LUMPUR – Days after Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 mysteriously vanished without a trace, there is finally conjecture on just what exactly happened. “It took a lot of digging, but I …
