TORONTO – Canada’s fourth-worst person, Conrad Black, is celebrating alone after receiving a pardon from America’s worst individual, their president. “If being the worst is a crime,” Trump told r…
U.S.
Alabama outlaws having an unoccupied uterus
MONTGOMERY, AL – In a contentious vote of 25 to 6, the legislature of the state of Alabama has passed a comprehensive bill making it a crime for anyone residing in the state to have an empt…
“I’m running for president,” Joe Biden whispers into the ears of an uncomfortable nation
WASHINGTON D.C. – Joe Biden announced his third run for the Democratic presidential nomination today by slinking his arms around the waist of The United States of America, smelling its hair…
Rudy Giuliani does interview with pringle cans stuck on both hands
NEW YORK CITY – Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City and key member of Trump’s legal team, conducted a 30 minute interview with Chris Cuomo on CNN with Sour Cream and Onion Pringle …
Redacted Mueller Report reads: “████ Trump ████ ███ not ██ ████ ██ guilty ████”
WASHINGTON, DC — After refusing to release the full Mueller Report for several weeks, Attorney General William Barr has cleared the report for public consumption, which states, “██████████ …
Trump to replace outgoing DHS Secretary Nielsen with printed-out Breitbart articles
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the announcement that Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will step down from her role, President Trump has announced her replacement to oversee the the Department of Homelan…
Local man says father “dumb enough” to fall for history’s largest, most sophisticated propaganda network
LANSING, SOUTH DAKOTA — 25 year old business administrator Jayson Milnerd has once again expressed astonishment that his Trump-supporting father is “so ignorant” as to fall for a multibilli…
Democrats pin fading hopes for justice on 16 remaining investigations
WASHINGTON D.C. – Shocked and demoralized by William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report, American liberals are afraid they’ve lost their last best chance to hold Trump accountable, aside …
Mueller attaches literal smoking gun to report just to keep those fuckers happy
Washington D.C.— Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has reportedly taken the unprecedented step of appending a recently used Colt 45 to his special report to U.S. Attorney General William Barr in …
Trump late for diplomatic meeting after taking twenty minutes to put on boots, snow pants
WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump is currently late for an important meeting with the Chinese ambassador to the United States after taking twenty minutes to put on his boots and snow p…
