FLORIDA – Thousands of protestors took to the streets in the United States this past weekend to demand that social distancing rules end and people be allowed to return to work, including CO…
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NRA: Guns don’t kill people, schools being open kill people
FAIRFAX, VA – In light of the fact that this March marked the first month without a school shooting in the U.S. since 2002, the National Rifle Association released a statement claiming “Gun…
Trump ensures America’s stimulus checks will bounce by writing his name on them
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen, Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $290 billion by having his name appear on the new round of stimulus checks to …
Obama wholeheartedly endorses only option
WASHINGTON, DC – Former President Barack Obama has announced his enthusiastic support for Joe Biden by endorsing him over all other current Democratic candidates. “I cannot think of a bette…
Man accused of sexual assault to win 2020 presidency
WASHINGTON DC – Following today’s announcement from Bernie Sanders’ campaign that the Vermont senator will no longer be seeking the Democratic nomination, the path has been cleared fo…
Democratic primary candidates find common ground in being high risk for coronavirus
WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies, but they can agree on at least one thing: if they were to contract coro…
Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick
WILMINGTON, DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden’s limited presence in the public eye, a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constitue…
Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders
MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious…
Biden within hair-sniffing distance of Democratic nomination
WASHINGTON – After being declared the winner of the final Democratic debate by several publications and continuing to lead in the primary delegate count, Joe Biden is now within hair-sniffi…
CDC urges Americans to stay safe by doing opposite of everything Trump says
ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s ins…
