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Sports
Jays end post-season with pop, pizza party in Rogers Centre basement
TORONTO – After a disappointing loss against the Cleveland Indians, this afternoon the Toronto Blue Jays capped off their post-season with a modest pizza party in the basement of the Rogers…
Baseball announcer refuses to use the offensive term “Cleveland”
CLEVELAND – MLB announcer Jerry Howarth will be refusing to call the Blue Jay’s ALCS opponents by their city’s name as some find the word “Cleveland” to be downright offensive. “I have stop…
Sidelined Crosby returns to Tim Hortons drive-thru job
Cole Harbour, NS – Pittsburgh Penguins Captain Sidney Crosby has returned to work at a Nova Scotia Tim Hortons after a concussion put the two-time Stanley Cup winner out of regular season p…
Auston Matthews retires as greatest Leaf in franchise history
OTTAWA – After a breakout rookie campaign, a successful sophomore season and an overtime winner in game 1 of the 2018/2019 NHL season Auston Matthews announced his retirement. Experts and p…
World Cup of Hockey won by plucky, Canadian overdogs
TORONTO – Coming from ahead and proving to the world that they are exactly what everyone says they are, team Canada has confirmed the odds were accurate by attaining a completely expected v…
Toronto Argonauts unveil new mascot “Empty Seat”
TORONTO – As part of a multi-million dollar rebrand of North America’s oldest professional football franchise, the Toronto Argonauts have replaced its previous mascot, “Jason the Masc…
Opposing football players discover they’ve been praying to same god
EAST RUTHERFORD – Minutes before kickoff of an NFL game, New York Jets cornerback Derrelle Revis and Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten overheard each other praying to the same god for v…
Canadian athletes return from Rio to minimum wage jobs
TORONTO – After a strong performance in the Rio Olympics, Team Canada’s athletes have returned home to glory, accolades, and numerous retail positions. “Get out of my way! My shift at Tim H…
Ryan Lochte wins gold in 400m ‘Making Up A Robbery’
RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened. “This is unreal, kind of …
