TORONTO – Loblaws announced this week that it will lower its record-breaking prices once the Toronto Maple Leafs stumble their way into a third round victory for the first time in their franchise…
Hockey
Tortorella convenes press conference to talk about how much he hates press conferences
PHILADELPHIA – Following the Philadelphia Flyers’ morning skate, coach John Tortorella held a press conference to detail his hatred for press conferences. “I asked you all to come her…
NHL creates audience for its new NFTs by banning helmets
NEW YORK – In addition to unveiling its own line of official NFTs, the National Hockey League has announced plans to attract player investment by phasing out protective helmets. “We’re encouragi…
Oilers struggles blamed on carbon tax
EDMONTON – With the pre-season Stanley Cup favourite Edmonton Oilers struggling to develop momentum, Premier Danielle Smith blamed the team’s performance on the Liberal government’s carbon …
Desperate Quebec City officials offer Bettman one night of unbridled passion with Bonhomme
QUEBEC CITY – Officials in Quebec City have decided to up the ante in their pursuit for a return of pro-hockey to their community by proffering NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman an “affectionat…
5 tips for betting on NHL preseason games while your whiny children beg you for attention
Another NHL season is almost upon us, but if you can’t wait to see your team play – or if you’re desperate for money – the preseason can give you your fix. Some people say preseason hockey is bor…
Bettman vows to build a whole new city in Arizona if he has to
PHOENIX, AZ – After numerous cities have voted against supporting the construction of a new arena for the Arizona Coyotes, a defiant Gary Bettman stated his intention to found an entirely n…
[Team] wins Stanley Cup
NORTH AMERICAN CITY – After a hard-fought series that went [number] games, the Stanley Cup has been awarded to [team], a victory by the [favourites/underdogs] that many analysts [predicted/failed…
Toronto Goodwill asking people to stop donating Leafs jerseys
TORONTO – The regional board of Goodwill Industries has taken to social media to ask residents of the GTA to please stop leaving Maple Leafs jerseys in their used clothing bins and donation…
Researchers uncover evidence that Stanley Cup Playoffs still in progress
OTTAWA – Officials at Carleton University held a press conference today, announcing their discovery that the long-thought-completed NHL playoffs are, in fact, ongoing. Graduate student Jaso…
