OTTAWA – Following the events of the US election, Canada’s homegrown and indie racists are determined to not have their hateful efforts overshadowed by the behemoth to the south. “People ar…
National
Nation’s evil twins shave goatees
OTTAWA – Realizing they could finally become unstoppable, evil twins from coast-to-coast have shaved their once tell-tale goatees, making them completely indistinguishable from their loveab…
Canadian Air Force facing setbacks after several more CF-18s fucked by giant metal birds
OTTAWA – The aging Canadian Air Force suffered yet another setback today, after giant metal birds had sex with several more of its planes. “Earlier this morning, giant metal birds ploughed …
Kellie Leitch initiates diplomatic relations with Trump by borrowing dog whistle
OTTAWA — In a symbolic gesture aimed at demonstrating the “shared values” she hopes will serve as the foundation of strong diplomatic relations between her party and U.S. President-elect Do…
Cohen family unsure what song to play at Leonard Cohen’s funeral
LOS ANGELES – Sources inside the Cohen family say they are having difficulty picking a song to play for the beloved singer-songwriter’s upcoming funeral. According to senior Cohen family me…
This year’s poppies “extra stabby” to help Canadians appreciate soldiers’ sacrifice
OTTAWA – Representatives from the Royal Canadian Legion have confirmed that their newly-redesigned poppies were built for optimal pointiness, size, and “gouge-ability”, to help Canadians be…
Nation relieved to hear Ebola just in Winnipeg
OTTAWA – Upon hearing that a lab technician was possibly exposed to the Ebola virus, Canadians were relieved to hear that the exposure only occurred in Winnipeg. “Oh, thank God,” explained …
Rachel Notley caught in yet another scandal
Beleaguered Alberta premier Rachel Notley has been accused of even more misconduct. The Beaverton‘s Laura Cilevitz travelled to Calgary to speak with a number of outraged Albertans.…
Labour market experts say precariously employed youth should consider organ trade
OTTAWA — Labour market experts are advising precariously employed youth to look into alternative streams of income such as the illegal international organ trade to ensure they enjoy a similar lev…
Manitoba acquires the good parts of Minneapolis
WINNIPEG – The Manitoba government has acquired the nicer areas of Minneapolis for roughly $3 billion US. Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister made the announcement of the land purchase from th…
