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Health
Fist-bump proclaimed top broclamation
EDMONTON, AB – After months of data collection, 3000 hours of simulation tests, and a research endowment of over $450,000, top anbropologists at the University of Alberta have proven that t…
Report: Smoking still kinda cool if smoker attractive
BALTIMORE, MD – Researchers from the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine published a report earlier this week which finds that smoking is still kinda cool, provided the smoker in question is attract…
Health Canada politely asks Canadians not to fall sick anymore
OTTAWA, ON – In a public statement made Monday morning, Health Canada officially asked Canadians if, before getting sick, they might first consider not getting sick at all. “Given the monumental …
New study links depression to sharing office space with Dave
MONTREAL – According to a report released by McGill’s Institute for Mental Health, the leading cause of depression among working Canadians is shared office space with Dave Sheppard. “Nine t…
Heroic battle against cancer cut short by recovery
A woman’s courageous battle against cancer was cut short due to a speedy recovery, hospital doctors reported yesterday. “She’s healing quicker than expected,” explained Dr. Teeple of his patient,…
Hand-washing apparently still too complicated for 90% of the population
OTTAWA – Despite countless campaigns, television ads, posters, and educational programs, only a small portion of the Canadian population seems to have grasped the concept of washing their h…
Jogger decides to sprint
BURNABY, BC – 32-year-old jogger Walter Finnesky made the decision to run faster on Tuesday. “I was puttering along, and this kid rides by so slowly on a bike,” Finnesky said. “So I picked …
Study: Comedians make better lovers
MONTREAL – Comedians exhibit greater sensitivity and sexual stamina according to a new study published by McGill University. The study ranked sexual performance and partner satisfaction acc…
Health Canada warns cases of voter fatigue syndrome may reach epidemic levels by election day
OTTAWA – When Todd Gleck experienced shooting pains throughout his upper body after being greeted by yet another political canvessor, the 41-year-old father of three figured he simply neede…
