OTTAWA — Last night, roughly half of the country’s population was awake in bed worrying about what they recently said to the remaining population. According to the Sleep Restlessness Instit…
Health
New prescription drug to treat side-effects of prescription drug costs
TORONTO — While many Canadians are finding it difficult to make ends meet with prescription drug costs, a pharmaceutical company has unveiled a new solution to their problems: Gougium. Goug…
Tragic alcoholic described as ‘Legend’
TORONTO – Forty-six years old and plunging deep through the lightless depths of his addiction, local man Darren Hall is routinely described by coworkers and acquaintances as ‘A Legend’, ‘Th…
Body of Jimmy Hoffa discovered behind permanent retainer wire
DETROIT, MI – After a decades-long search, authorities have located the body of labour leader Jimmy Hoffa behind the permanent retainer wire of local 20-year-old Flora Williams. “It’s tough…
Scientists discover cure for common cold: cancelling plans
CALGARY – A new report from the University of Calgary medical school has found that the elusive cure for the common cold is a prescription for cancelling all the plans you made before you g…
Teenage boy summit signs accord for 19% cut to nocturnal emissions by 2030
GENEVA – The Teenage Boy International Summit announced in a communique this morning that an agreement has been reached to cut global nocturnal emissions nearly twenty percent over the next…
Being buried alive by nemesis now leading cause of death for young Canadians
OTTAWA – A recent paper by an inter-disciplinary panel has revealed that being entombed by one’s mortal enemy is now the most common cause of death among Canadians. “This really surprised u…
WHO report convinces chain smoker to give up red meat
TORONTO – Citing a new study from the World Health Organization linking red and processed meats to cancer, lifelong smoker Sofia Vial has vowed to never again eat bacon, ham, sausages, steak, or …
Nation still fighting this goddamn cold
CANADA – Six days after their throats started to get scratchy, the entire country is still trying to get over this fucking cold. “Shit,” said every person in the country, catchi…
High levels of childhood obesity in Canada ‘great for business’ says high school bully
PETERBOROUGH — Teenage tyrants across the country raised their victim’s underpants in jubilation today after learning that childhood obesity rates in Canada continue to rise “faster t…
