TORONTO — Today, local marketing associate Ellen Smith stood up for women’s empowerment everywhere by embarking on a bold, 4-hour, totally unintentional free bleed. Smith’s courageous stand began…
Health
Doritos nutritionists concerned Canadian diet not ‘zesty’ enough
VICTORIA – A special report released earlier this week by top Doritos nutritionists has expressed concerns that the average Canadian’s diet is far below the daily recommended zesty-ness threshold…
Health Canada allows gay men to donate blood so long as they go straight for a year
OTTAWA – Minister of Health Jane Philpott has announced that the federal government will be lifting the restriction on gay men’s blood donation so long as they have been heterosexual for th…
Crest introduces new yellowing strips for a more mature look
NEW YORK – Oral hygiene and toothpaste maker Crest has unveiled its new yellowing strips in attempt to woo consumers who want that perfect, aging smile. Crest Yellowing Strips and its new t…
Health Canada considers plain packaging for all Tabasco products
OTTAWA – In an effort to reduce the glamour of hot sauce, Canada’s government announced Tuesday that it will hold three months of public consultations before forcing the Tabasco industry to use g…
Man at gym takes off shirt to show bulging biceps on third arm
TORONTO – In a show of machismo earlier this morning, local man Kyle Dresden removed his shirt while working out so that he could unfold the third arm from behind his back and show off its …
Novelists warn about drug-resistant strain of writer’s block
TORONTO – After warnings issued by the World Health Organization, Canadian writers are now reporting cases of a strain of writer’s block resistant to alcohol, amphetamines, and other broad-spectr…
‘Smoking actually not that bad for you,’ say cool scientists who hang out behind the lab
WATERLOO – In an astounding announcement made by the popular clique of scientists that hang out behind a Waterloo cancer research laboratory, cigarette smoke has been found to be less of a health…
Local survivor gnaws off own arm to escape street canvasser
TORONTO – In a harrowing tale of survival, local hiker Todd Barnett has managed to escape a street canvasser by removing his left arm with nothing but his own front teeth. “I’m an experienc…
McDonald’s new vegan quinoa tempeh salad less healthy than getting stabbed
HAMILTON – Ubiquitous fast food franchise McDonald’s has added the new Vegan Quinoa Tempeh Salad to their list of “health conscious” food options, which studies now say is worse for you the…
