Winter is a tough time for everyone. Your bike is in storage, it’s too cold to go jogging, and you’re not burning enough calories, no matter how frequently you masturbate. If you’re getting bored…
Health
Ginger Ale still number one recommended soda for your sore tum tum
TORONTO – After extensive testing in laboratories across the nation, Canada’s leading scientists have reported that due to its high content of fizzie wizzies and unparalleled yum yum factor…
Years later man still haunted by memory of saying “Hi” to total stranger he thought was Jeff
RICHMOND, B.C. – After seven years, local man Gary Alonzo still wakes up in a cold sweat, traumatized by the memory of that time he accidentally greeted someone he thought was his friend Je…
Health Canada tightens food safety regulations by changing 5 second rule to 3 seconds
OTTAWA – Health Canada and the Canadian Food Inspection Agency are changing their food safety regulations and guidelines on eating something that fell on the floor. “When it comes to consum…
Canada’s doctors find a new way to convince people to get vaccinated
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Bernie Sanders admiration of Canadian healthcare makes patient waiting 2 years for hip replacement feel much better
TORONTO – A woman who has been waiting for a hip replacement for the past two years is beaming with pride knowing that US Senator Bernie Sanders thinks that Canada’s healthcare system is st…
Study: Niagara River fish have better access to antidepressants than most Canadians
NIAGARA FALLS – A new study released by the University of Buffalo has shown that the fish swimming in the Niagara River have free and unlimited access to a number of antidepressants and oth…
Excessive cellphone use preventing teens from developing basic skulking skills
STOCKHOLM – A study published this week by the University of Gothenburg’s Sahlgrenska Academy states that cellphone use in teenagers drastically inhibits the development of young adults’ ba…
Local man fails to lose weight despite thinking about working out for over a week
RED DEER – Roger Monroe has reported being frustrated by his failure to lose weight despite following a strict regimen of imagining what it would be like to go to the gym a lot for a full 1…
Kid not allowed to eat candy reports apples ‘fun snack’
TORONTO- Biting into cut up pieces of honeycrisp prepared by his health conscious parents, local six year old, Thurman Jackson, made news this week after officially declaring apples a “fun snack.…
