PORTLAND, OR — A protest planned by the parents group “Vaccine Rights Now” has been postponed due to a local measles outbreak which has hospitalized dozens. “I would rather be out there pro…
Health
“Aspartame is bad for you,” says friend who just snorted gigantic line of ketamine
MONTREAL – Moments after doing a line of ketamine last night, Holden Morrisey, 23, revealed to an astonished crowd of warehouse partygoers that the can of Diet Coke his friend was holding would l…
The Top 5 documentaries that will kick start you right into a major depression
In our current cultural and political climate, truth is often stranger, scarier, and more uplifting than fiction – which is why it’s no surprise that documentaries are having a renaissance in 201…
Efficiency: $200 million cut to Ontario public health to streamline smaller measles outbreaks into one big measles outbreak
TORONTO – Ontario’s Health and Long Term Care Minister Christine Elliott says that she’s making cuts to local health agencies to correct the inefficiencies in the spread of measles as well …
Man who just open mouthed sneezed into your ear is pretty sure it’s just allergies
JASPER, AB — On her usual morning commute, Ainsley Stephens, 26, has been informed that the strange man who sneezed into her ear without covering his mouth “has allergies, not a cold,…
Pro-vaccine conspiracy theorists demand measles inoculation be added to CIA’s chemtrail program
PORTLAND, OR – A group of concerned conspiracy theorists is demanding the US government add the measles vaccine to the CIA’s population control, experimentation, and chemical warfare chemtr…
“Have you tried meditating?” says woman who just appeared out of nowhere
BANFF, AB — While attempting to enter her car after a particularly stressful day, bank teller Chelsea Ponte was cornered by a woman out of nowhere asking if she had considered meditating as…
Anti-citrus parents believe “a touch of scurvy” leads to better outcomes in child pirates
SPANISH MAIN – Believing that a bout of scurvy during childhood can lead to a young swashbuckler who is stout of heart and strong of arm, some parents are aggressively touting the benefits …
Documents reveal anti-vaccination Facebook groups funded by ‘Big Child Coffin’
WASHINGTON DC – Exposing greedy corporate propaganda, an industry watchdog group has obtained leaked internal documents that demonstrate a direct connection between popular anti-vaccination…
Local man using cigarettes to quit vaping
WINNIPEG — After years of failing to quit the “disgusting habit” of vaping, Andrew Bunns has finally weaned himself off it by burning Tobacco and then inhaling the smoke, colloquially known…
