RICHMOND, BC – A press release from Boston Pizza has announced an exciting new menu item of overpriced cheese and beef that technically qualifies as food. “Boston Pizza is proud to be the restau…
Food
Local absinthe drinker hasn’t been to a baroque midnight ritual in months
VICTORIA – Stephen Thackston, an absinthe aficionado and self-described ‘weird dandy,’ wants the public to know how hard physical distancing has been on the neo-fop community. “Do you have …
Chef Boyardee rebrands to “Depression Chow”
MILTON, PA – The popular meal-adjacent product Chef Boyardee has announced its plan to simply rebrand to “Depression Chow.” Marketing director Joshua Alden explained that the change coincid…
In honor of election Baskin-Robbins now offering only 2 flavors of shitty ice cream
WASHINGTON, DC – Ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins recently came out with 2 new flavors of shitty ice cream to honor the upcoming US election. The specialty restaurant chain, famously known fo…
Scientists confused, concerned after local man finishes spring mix salad pack before it gets gross
Thunder Bay, ON – Researchers at Lakehead University are baffled and more than a little distressed after discovering that local man Hunter Braddock finished an entire Spring Mix Salad packa…
Hastily drawn Tim Hortons Smile Cookie pleads for death at hand of cruel creator
COBURG, ON – With the end of Tim Hortons Smile Cookie Week approaching, one cookie in particular cried out for the sweet release of death after being drawn quickly by an employee during the…
Study: indoor dining significantly increases risk of servers spitting in your food
OTTAWA – Health Canada has released a study indicating that indoor restaurant dining, particularly in high COVID infection areas, substantially increases the likelihood of servers hocking a big f…
Impatient sous chef pre shakes water for it to boil faster
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Local sous chef, Darryl Donwyn, recently shook a pot of water to make it boil faster at restaurant Le Lentement. “He still has a lot to learn,” said head chef Saffron Me…
Kisko unveils new lambskin freezie that won’t cut your mouth when you suck it dry
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Kisko announced a bold new change to its popular Mr. Freeze freezies that will see the plastic sheath replaced with lambskin to protect customers’ mouths when they gr…
Report: Clamato still disgusting, delicious
CALGARY – After conducting an exhaustive longitudinal study of scientific research done over the last 60 years, scientists at the University of Calgary have officially confirmed that Clamat…
