GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point. “I was …
Food
Beans lose classification as Magical Fruit
OTTAWA – In a controversial decision, the Canadian Plants Council has reclassified beans, from Magical Fruit to common legume. “We all know the saying,” said Monica Lee, the President of th…
Cupcake made to look like tiny football tastes like ass
ST. CATHARINES, ON – 6 year old Caylen Phillips, who has an obsession with football, received cupcakes at his recent birthday party which were shaped and designed to look like tiny football…
Nation celebrates first ever successful use of KD push-in tab
STEINBACH, MB – Canadians across the country are in awe as Manitoban Amelia Kristensen shared an image of a perfectly opened Kraft Dinner package online with a cleanly punched in tab. Cong…
True meaning of life safely hidden away in personal anecdote portion of online recipe
Laval, QC – Humanity’s quest to discover the fundamental truth about our existence has been solved, as it turns out to be located in the personal story section of a recipe for homemad…
Local woman who bought regular grapes instead of seedless just gonna give up on whole life
BURLINGTON, ON – Last Tuesday evening, 27 year-old bartender Eva Parsons realized as she got home from a grocery run that she had bought regular grapes instead of seedless ones. At that mom…
Boston Pizza announces some new $37 dollar “Cheesegetti with Hamburger” garbage
RICHMOND, BC – A press release from Boston Pizza has announced an exciting new menu item of overpriced cheese and beef that technically qualifies as food. “Boston Pizza is proud to be the restau…
Local absinthe drinker hasn’t been to a baroque midnight ritual in months
VICTORIA – Stephen Thackston, an absinthe aficionado and self-described ‘weird dandy,’ wants the public to know how hard physical distancing has been on the neo-fop community. “Do you have …
Chef Boyardee rebrands to “Depression Chow”
MILTON, PA – The popular meal-adjacent product Chef Boyardee has announced its plan to simply rebrand to “Depression Chow.” Marketing director Joshua Alden explained that the change coincid…
In honor of election Baskin-Robbins now offering only 2 flavors of shitty ice cream
WASHINGTON, DC – Ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins recently came out with 2 new flavors of shitty ice cream to honor the upcoming US election. The specialty restaurant chain, famously known fo…
