ROMANIA — Former kickboxer and famously small-penised man, Andrew Tate, somehow managed to take the time out of his busy schedule of trolling teenage girls on the internet to fuck himself, …
Culture
Ten best “Best of” lists: Our list
With the abundance of Best Of Year lists clogging up the internet every December, it’s hard to know which ones are worth your time. Luckily for you, the tireless team at The Beaverton has read al…
After success of 10 days of Mourning, BBC announces plans for “Dead Queen” Christmas Special
LONDON – Following the success of the national period of mourning for the late Queen Elizabeth II, the BBC has announced plans for a 24-hour “Dead Queen” Christmas Day special. In hopes of …
Avatar sequel somehow already biggest flop of all time
HOLLYWOOD — Avatar: The Way of Water, the latest blockbuster from director James Cameron, has been named the biggest financial flop of all time. It will be released later this week. The Avatar …
Kanye changes name to Yitler
LOS ANGELES – In what is just the latest of his many character reinventions, Kanye West has announced he will be formally adopting the name Yitler. “I live my life and I live my truth. And it’s i…
“Controversies” section on Kanye West’s Wikipedia page eclipses “Music” section
AUSTIN – After Ye, formerly known as Kayne West, made a wide variety of antisemitic comments on Alex Jones’ Infowars broadcast, the rapper’s Wikipedia page now dedicates more space to his controv…
Serial killer refuses to murder again unless Netflix renegotiates contract
HAMILTON, ON – Local serial killer David Mark Thompson has announced an immediate work stoppage pending a more favourable contract from Netflix, Inc., producers of the popular true-crime se…
Slide-whistle virtuoso longs to play Rachmaninoff instead of accompanying prank videos
TORONTO — Martin Peck, the world’s foremost slide-whistle virtuoso, expressed his frustration at only being hired to accompany prank videos. “The slide-whistle is my instrument and my art,” Peck …
Millennials call for “youth” to be redefined as whatever age they currently are
OTTAWA – In a recent statement, the nation’s millennials have called for the definition of “youth” to be urgently changed to whatever age they are right now. “This is a crisis,” says Ashley…
Where are they now: “Don’t you put it in your mouth” puppet checks into rehab
VANCOUVER – Representatives for the female Sister Puppet from the popular 1992 Concerned Children’s Advertisers PSA “Don’t you put it in your mouth” have confirmed that the puppet has check…
