PETERBOROUGH – Upon being offered a loan for his tuition fee with government aid, a third year undergraduate student celebrated with a $3,000 alcohol-fueled party. 21 year-old Owen Blais, a…
Campus
Students find artificial intelligence more useful than actual intelligence
HALIFAX – As students head back to class, they are increasingly aware that the biggest determinant of academic success is the amount of technology that they use. Alphonso Stubler, 22, is an Archi…
St Mary’s University to replace rape chant with Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines”
In light of a recent controversy, St. Mary’s University has decided to replace frosh week chants that urged students to rape people under the age of consent with the hit “Blurred Lines” by Robin …
All 200 high school valedictorians in university course expect to finish top of class
MONTREAL – With the first day of university quickly approaching, all 200 high school valedictorians enrolled in “Introduction to Western Civilisation” at McGill are raring to start and expe…
15-page paper apparently the only thing in local student’s life
TORONTO – Recent reports from concerned friends and family have confirmed that the entirety of UofT student Kelly Statler’s existence is evidently now being taken up by a 15-page paper on s…
York U plan to end violence against women on campus: stop admitting female students
TORONTO – In response to a rash of violent sexual assaults against women students at York University’s Keele Campus in 2012, the school’s President Mamdouh Shoukri claims the institution ha…
Heavy-breathing evangelical student protests what he thinks happened at U of T orgy
TORONTO – While several hundred lined up for the so-called ‘student sex party’ hosted by a U of T campus group last night, one heavily-breathing, self-proclaimed evangelical student spent t…
Ontario Teachers’ Union: We’ll avoid a strike so long as we don’t have to teach that brat Sammy anymore
TORONTO – Attempting to salvage negotiations before an impending teacher strike, the Elementary Teachers’ Federation of Ontario (ETFO) said they would accept government enforced cuts so lon…
University student regrets buying actual moleskin journal
MONTREAL – Jason Durant, 21, originally of Oak Ridges, Ontario, was disappointed when the “moleskine” journal that he ordered online turned out to be a journal made out of an actual mole’s …
Mean glee club rules school with iron jazz hands
OTTAWA – A new menace walks a syncopated beat at Mallory Weiss High School in the form of the Mallory Weiss High School Glee club. Formed only 6 months ago, the “Mean Tones” hav…