TORONTO – A new report released by the University of Toronto suggests that 90% of recent Facebook posts are messages of love for recently deceased domestic animals. The social media site, once va…
Business
Wikipedia shuts down due to crippling $3.00 deficit
SAN FRANCISCO – Internet encyclopedia Wikipedia revealed today that it will cease operation after suffering an insurmountable deficit of $3.00 this fiscal year. “Our accountants said …
Maclean’s doing their best to one-up that time they said Canadian universities were “Too Asian”
TORONTO – Canadian news magazine Maclean’s has announced that their current cover, which features five white male conservative politicians unironically labelled as “The resistance,” was an …
Ford announces new Ontario license plate slogan “washrooms are for customers only”
QUEEN’S PARK – Shortly after unveiling Ontario’s new “Open for Business” border signs, Premier Ford has announced that the province’s iconic “yours to discover” license plates will be discontinue…
Editorial: I hate cannabis but I love dangerous speculative investing. What am I to do?
I despise marijuana. While the rest of Canada has decided to succumb to reefer madness, I still hold true to what I was taught in my health lessons at school and numerous all-star cartoon special…
Dollarama already stocking decorations for your funeral
MONTREAL – Despite the event being at least several months away, Dollarama, the nation’s largest dollar store chain, has already begun stocking decorations for your funeral. As early as la…
Backpack designers add separate compartment for the rotting fruit you’ve forgotten about
TORONTO – For the added convenience of the forgetful person, developers of backpacks and handbags are adding an additional compartment for all of the decomposing pieces of fruit that you pu…
A&W now only serving chicken raised without antibiotics, hope for the future
NORTH VANCOUVER, BC – Following the success of progressive initiatives like paper straws and the Beyond Meat burger, A&W Canada, who has already committed to using chickens raised witho…
Public beheading of Ticketmaster execs already sold out
LAS VEGAS – After a damning investigative report by CBC News/Toronto Star revealed collusion between Ticketmaster and scalpers, the company’s shareholders took the rare step of ordering the…
Sir Topham Hatt resigns amid allegations of being “weird with the trains”
ISLAND OF SODOR – Sir Topham Hatt, the longtime controller of the North West Railway on the Island of Sodor, resigned at a press conference yesterday after several reports surfaced of bizar…
