TORONTO – The SPCA is joining forces with Uber this Friday, delivering carloads of adorable puppies to offices around the city to take a shit on your least favourite superior’s personal belonging…
Report: Tragically Hip final tour tickets still available through ruthlessly beating ticket holders
KINGSTON, ON – Disappointed Tragically Hip fans who failed to get tickets to the band’s final tour still have some hope after reports indicate there are some available by viciously assaulti…
Conservative Party announces it ‘hath ended its opposition to buggery’
VANCOUVER – In a dramatic announcement, the Conservative Party of Canada announced it no longer opposes marriage between two chaps or a couple of dowagers. “I suppose the jig is up and it i…
Zoo officials hope patrons don’t notice they’ve replaced capybaras with giant TTC rats
TORONTO – With two capybaras having escaped from the High Park Zoo earlier this week, administrators are hoping that zoo visitors don’t notice that the animals have been temporarily r…
Local neighbour begins extremely loud, unskilled renovations
Fort Nelson, BC – Next-door neighbour Dale Glover’s disruptive springtime renovation season is already off to a roaring start. “I can finally get back to work on that structurally unsound b…
Sanders staying in race just to keep 20-year-old college student inspired
Burlington, Vermont – Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is remaining in the Democratic Primary race despite the little chance he has at winning so he can continue to inspire a bright-eyed…
Liberals announce bill forcing men to use women’s bathrooms, report conservative aunts
OTTAWA – The Liberal government’s proposed law to protect transgender rights will force all men to use women’s bathrooms among many other “awful” things, report Canada’s conservative aunts.…
Fort McMurray authorities plead with Canadians to stop donating “Jack and Jill” DVDs
EDMONTON – In the wake of the last week’s fire, Fort McMurray Emergency Measures Organization and the Red Cross are asking Canadians to refrain from donating Adam Sandler’s 2011 film “Jack …
Russian athlete’s urine burns through testing cup
ROME — A Russian track and field’s athlete’s urine has spontaneously reacted with a testing cup during a routine drug test. The incident occurred some time after the very muscular long-jump…
Crown elects not to proceed with 2nd Ghomeshi trial in order to focus on bungling future assault cases
TORONTO – Citing a pressing need to use resources and manpower on mishandling other sexual assault cases, the Crown has elected not to proceed with the second scheduled trial of former CBC …