Hot weather means three things: fun, sun and the searing pain of seasonal chafe. Here are five trendy styles that say: there is literally a friction fire starting between my thighs: https://www.f…
New S’well water bottle automatically charges you per sip
NEW YORK – S’well, the company known for selling $62 water bottles, announced on Monday that they will begin automatically charging customers for every sip consumed. The new feature, tradem…
Local father really psyched about this year’s perennials
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Proud father of two and recreational horticulturist Jack Tierney says he is “beyond excited” for his perennials, set to bloom in late May. “The real showstopper is seein…
Bird stuck in airport unaware of ironic art it’s inspiring
TORONTO – A white-throated sparrow that had the misfortune of flying into the Toronto Pearson Airport has become the muse of many terrible artists within the terminal. “It’s like a metaphor…
‘No one took my podcast recommendations seriously,’ yuppie bemoans
TORONTO – 26-year-old Samuel Griff shakes his head disdainfully as he recollects the countless times his podcast recommendations have been dismissed by friends, family, and co-workers. “I j…
Millions of healthy gut bacteria vote to unionize
NAPANEE, ON – Millions of microbes assembled in the descending colon of Curtis Lawrence to vote to officially unionize their collective as Gastrointestinal Tract Workers Local 298. “We reco…
Woman fondly recalls day in 2007 when glasses weren’t smudged
CALGARY – After wearily setting her fingerprint-laden glasses on the table in front of her, Mikayla Petersen sighed and remembered a point in time when she didn’t have to wipe her lenses do…
Editorial: Is the French Canadian keyboard too good for question marks nowÉ
Editorial by: Morgan Levin I am a good person who enjoys the simpler things in life. What I’d like to know is what sin I must have committed in a past life to warrant the impromptu switching of k…
1000 year old wizard reclaims word “millennial”
SUDBURY – Prominent sorcerer of darkness Ragnicius the Cobbled has recently announced plans to reappropriate the term “millennial” to denote the demographic of wizards born before the…
