WINDSOR, ON – After 32 years of intimately unique memories, local man Daniel Hagedorn is still unable to comprehend that his lived-in personal experience is not the universal human experien…
Report: Everyone else’s summer hopes and ambitions fulfilled except yours
SACKVILLE, NB – Early reports indicate that everybody on Earth had achieved all they wanted to do this summer. Well everyone except you. According to sources every single human alive had ma…
Woman of colour excited to compare tans with you
REGINA – This past Friday, Arththy Safeer was beyond excited to compare her ‘tan’ with co-worker Morgan Klein. “I love having my skin that I was born with used as a visual marker for how mu…
Pinky toe deserts sandal for better life
EDMONTON – In a last ditch attempt at freedom, the pinky toe of Emilie Licea made a run for it to avoid spending the remainder of the summer strangled by the thin leather strap of a sandal.…
Content creator really loves creating content
TORONTO – Social media ingénue, Grace Codrington, says she creates content not for fame or money, but simply because she loves doing so. “I live and breathe content creation,” Codrington sa…
8th grader on overnight trip declares, “What happens in Old Quebec City, stays in Old Quebec City”
QUEBEC CITY – Thirteen year old southern Ontario student, Curtis Kiff, drew up big plans raise hell for his four day class trip to Old Quebec City. “I really need this to get away from it a…
Woman with freezer full of overripe bananas dies never having made banana bread
UXBRIDGE, ON – Maureen Gibson, passed away at the age of 87 this Monday surrounded by loved ones and a freezer full of bananas she had been meaning to make into banana bread. “I’ve lived a …
Born again Christian did it for unlimited access to khakis
TRENTON, ON – Twenty-three year old Ron Masellis recently converted to Christianity in order to access an incalculable amount of khaki pants. “Originally I mistook an evangelical youth grou…
Hedley celebrates 14th anniversary of benefiting from CRTC laws
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Pop-punk band Hedley celebrated their 14th anniversary of profiting from the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission Canadian content rules. As per the …
Dating app algorithm operates on assumption that we have any fucking clue what we want
WATERLOO – A new dating app released yesterday plans to operate on the assumption that users have any tangible idea what they want, both from the app and from their romantic endeavours as …
