OTTAWA – After processing the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance of the violence they faced today, women across Canada have gone to bed prepared to grieve the inevitable …
New Jordan Peterson book asserts all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
TORONTO – Former University of Toronto Professor Jordan Peterson, known best for lionizing patriarchal structure, denouncing the existence of white privilege, and refusing to use gender neu…
Thirty-year-old man horny for twenty-year-old’s old soul
MONTREAL – Describing the twenty minutes he spent leering at her across Grumpy’s Bar as an overwhelming intellectual connection, Philip Marshall, 30, announced Friday that he was extremely …
Pizza Pizza introduces new 16” creamy garlic dip
ETOBICOKE, ON- Finally acknowledging that customers merely endure their pizzas in order to get their hands on their dips, restaurant chain Pizza Pizza revealed on Thursday a new 16” creamy garlic…
Costco kiosks offering free sample tastes of bleach
ISSAQUAH, WA – Interested in expanding the selection of products customers may taste before purchasing in bulk, Costco kiosks across North America have begun to offer delicious free samples of bl…
Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row
HAMILTON – Remaining willfully blind to proper poetic structure in order to maintain a chance at winning a free coffee, Tim Hortons customers across Canada participated in Roll Up The Rim T…
Kingston renamed Queen’s University Theme Park
KINGSTON – After years of struggling to hold Queen’s unending stream of young, white, and wealthy students accountable for disrespecting the city, Mayor Bryan Paterson surrendered today and…
Ginger Ale still number one recommended soda for your sore tum tum
TORONTO – After extensive testing in laboratories across the nation, Canada’s leading scientists have reported that due to its high content of fizzie wizzies and unparalleled yum yum factor…
Priest uses Thursday Mass to test out new material
BRAMPTON – During mass at St. Paul’s Roman Catholic Church this week, Pastor Callum O’Brien, 40, took the opportunity to work on some material he’d been wanting to play around with for a bi…
Dad approaches Home Depot employee like a well versed pick-up artist
ETOBICOKE – In what was an entirely nonsexual but definitely premeditated act, reports indicate that local father Peter Edwards, 55, approached Home Depot employee Garrett Sims, 22, with th…