By: CHRISTINE NEWMAN At first, staying in on Saturday night seemed like a boring time, a classic party for one. But to my surprise, after having a bath I ended up rubbing cocoa butter on myself w…
Coachella fans really bummed this new Trump hologram is looming over the entire festival
INDIO, CALIFORNIA – As millennials flock to this year’s Coachella festival, music fans were stunned to discover a giant hologram of President Trump. “I mean, they had a hologram with …
Editorial: How am I supposed to pass the Bechdel test when my husband is so hot?
By Sophie Gregoire Trudeau While performing my annual International Women’s Day ritual by admiring every crevasse on my husbands body and bragging about it on the internet, I saw for the first ti…
Picture of chicken and waffles gets more likes than all of woman’s life accomplishments combined
TORONTO – Unexpectedly captured reacting to an oversized order of chicken and waffles, local woman Christine Newman was shocked to see the photo receive more likes on social media than ever…
Local woman loses holiday weight just in time for world to end
GUELPH – Through counting points, exercising and an astounding variety of vegetable-based pasta substitutes, Christine Newman finally lost her holiday weight just in time for the world to i…
Dad fondly remembers faxing dick pic to Mom
BARRIE, ON – During a recent celebration for their 20th wedding anniversary, Barb and Fred Lynch finally shared the touching story of how a faxed dickpic cemented their relationship with th…
World’s oldest man says petty grievances keep him going
HALIFAX – The current oldest man in the world, Johnson P. Bartholomew, 112, claims the key to longevity is holding on to as many petty grievances as possible. “They say an apple a day keeps…
Polls suggest Canadians want minorities to assimilate to culture they can’t define
CANADA – New polls suggest that 68% of Canadians want minorities to assimilate to Canadian culture while simultaneously having no idea what that really means. “Canada is a cultural mosaic,”…