By Hon. John Baird, Minister of Foreign Affairs Since the beginning of Arab Spring in 2011, people living under the oppression of autocrats and despots in the Middle East have overthrown their le…
Ottawa reminds nation that ‘veterans’ are not mentioned in ‘Support our Troops’
OTTAWA – After federal government lawyers argued that the government has no social obligation to veterans, the Minister of Veteran Affairs clarified that the term “veteran” was not contained in t…
Volunteer generously spends average income of a Nicaraguan on trip to help poor Nicaraguans
MANAGUA – After saving up her pay-checks and fundraising, do-gooder Julie Stuart-Labelle has spent the average yearly salary of a Nicaraguan for a three week trip to help the poor of that c…
STM managers get big pay raise reward for 30-minutes of uninterrupted service
MONTREAL – Service on Montreal’s public transit network was entirely on schedule for half an hour on July 20th, earning the STM’s executives a 5% increase on their 2012 salaries. “With the …
Optimist goes blind after staring at the bright side for too long
CORNER BROOK, NF – A local man is unable to perceive reality after focusing for too long on the bright side. 36 year-old Brad Smallwood reportedly lost his faculties last Thursday after dreaming …
Feet numb with pride in Winnipeg as city is named World Slurpee Capital
WINNIPEG – 7-11 has crowned Winnipeg as the Slurpee Capital of the World for the 14th time in a row, making citizens’ feet and hands tingle with joy. “This is a big day for our city” mayor Sam Ka…
Report: Censorship in Canada at an all time ████ despite ██████████
██████████ Ontario – A report by the ████████████████████ has revealed that the ██████████government has repeatedly ███████ information regardless of ████████████████████ “████████████████████ …
Federal NDP Caucus now of legal drinking age in Ontario
July is a big month for Ottawa barkeepers as it marks the first time the entire NDP caucus will legally drink in Ontario. The 2011 federal election, which swept progressive teenagers out of their…
Parliament approves first safe objection site for MPs disagreeing with party lines
OTTAWA – A controversial new facility has opened its doors for MPs to openly reject partisan discipline and express themselves freely without fear of repercussions. Party-Site will be a safe zone…
Quebec tragedy blemishes Transport Canada’s stellar 3-day train derailment-free record
OTTAWA – Transport Canada officials were disappointed that their 72-hour train wreck-free record has been shattered after a catastrophic derailment in Quebec. “I know this looks bad,” stated Mini…
