Trailers for Kevin James’ latest Netflix film “Bonk if You’re Horny” confirmed that this summer; big dumb toenail Kevin James fall down, much bang, head go boom. Directed by a shook up can of pilsner, “Bonk if You’re Horny” follows the story of a roly-poly dunderhead that loses control of a piss-stained forklift.
Inspired by what it looks like to catapult watermelon into a Chumbawamba song, “Bonk if You’re Horny” tells the tale of ‘Big Fuckin Frankie Jaundice’, a turgid shitty chucklefuck married to an even less game version of Gal Gadot. When big dumb idiot can’t afford a backyard gazebo for his apocalyptically hot movie wife, Big Fuckin Frankie Jaundice asks co-worker ‘What if Forklift and Forklift can ‘make fuck’?
Adapted from a series of belches, the script vomits out some ‘Death Race’ style Thunderdome wankery wherein tricked out forklifts penetrate each other’s exhaust pipes till uh-oh, pipe boom, Kevin fly, very big mushroom cloud, meep-meep, Kevin head go clang-bang-boom.
Audiences are thomping their heads up the wall for new KJ content, saying in the vocal equivalent of Marge krumping: “I done couldn’t cummy till I see ma hero Keblum Games race that forklift on to a crash.” Sony executives are speculating that the guy who played The President in ‘Pixels’ could further shart out enough money to greenlight a sequel. When pressed for more, industry insiders said “oh ‘greenlighting a sequel’ is just what we call ‘post piss foreskin dribble’.
