×

<img src="/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/new_head.png" class="logoimg" alt="The Beaverton"/>

National
- National
- Local
- Toronto
- Montreal
- Vancouver
- North
- Campus
- University Reviews
- Canada Votes 2015
World
Sports
- Sports
Business
- Business
Culture
- Culture
- Lifestyle
- Health
- Opinion
- Parenting
- Stats
- Classifieds
BeavFeed
Merch
Support
The Book
Workshops

Man who is polling at 1% will now speak...

<img src="/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/new_head.png" class="logoimg" alt="The Beaverton"/>

National
- National
- Local
- Toronto
- Montreal
- Vancouver
- North
- Campus
- University Reviews
- Canada Votes 2015
Twelve hours of not thanking the bus driver and other atrocities witnessed during Canadian version of The Purge

New US tariffs force Canada to use excess steel, aluminum in construction of 200 ft Mecha-Gosling

Trudeau quietly sends “U up” DMs to rest of world’s economies

Editorial: Trump underestimates how proud, united and, most importantly, petty Canadians are

Family of 5 enjoys 24 hour window where nobody sick

CTV announces 24 nanosecond news cycle

Local woman waiting to return her missed calls until she’s on crowded bus

Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think

“Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?” wonders man in car

Latest Drake track features his Mom asking Kendrick to stop bullying her son

Report: Juan Soto in talks with Ohtani about best way to get Canadians’ hopes up before crushing their dreams

Toronto commuter unable to tell if Taylor Swift gridlock has started

Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask

Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses

Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history

Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again

Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane

Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow

Vancouver actor moves to L.A. to improve odds of getting cast in shows that shoot in Vancouver

Vancouver removes tents from Eastside unless they can prove they’re a weed shop

Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw

Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes

Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter

Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one

York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam

Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s

Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt

Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation

Western University mandate 3 vaccine shots, 15 Jaegermeister shots

Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews

Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews

OCAD University: University Reviews 2014

NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government

Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority

90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party

Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
With Trump back in office, Greeks celebrate no longer being civilization that has fallen the furthest

Putin emails Trump “tell me 5 things you did for me last week”

Zelensky pretty sure disgraceful meeting could have been disgraceful email

Trudeau invites Zelensky to friendly pick-your-brain coffee chat about being invaded by warmongering neighbour

Trump team accidentally texts Canadian invasion plans to Ian Hanomansing

Trump removes security detail from Eric

Putin emails Trump “tell me 5 things you did for me last week”

The Devil went down to Georgia, was deported by ICE

Living History: Grandma exchanged letters with John Diefenbaker where he talks about his “Dief Beef”

Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history

Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice

July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Sports
- Sports
Man who calls his fantasy hockey team Big Stick Daddy enters 30th hour of planning your crushing defeat

Local snowboarder who keeps lift tags on jacket can’t stop getting laid

Woman really impressed by how much date knows about DraftKings

Aligning themselves with Trump works out just as well for U.S. hockey players as it did for Ted Cruz
Business
- Business
Hudson’s Bay warns customers they have only weeks to find their way out of stores

Boeing signs fighter contract, will rework planes to cause death and destruction “on purpose”

Makers of Funko Pop confirm figures can no longer steal your soul

Loblaws: “now we need to raise prices because of deflation or whatever”
Culture
- Culture
- Lifestyle
- Health
- Opinion
- Parenting
- Stats
- Classifieds
“We are not for sale” state Juno winners and stars who work primarily in United States

Trump Trade War prompts Carney to mobilize reserve members of Broken Social Scene

Polkaroo outed as leader of men’s rights group

Amazon-produced 007 movie pits Bond against fulfillment center workers who want to unionize

Tampax encourages women to channel their rage into bigger, better periods

Conscientious driver slows to 30 km/h in school zone while hitting children with car

Report: Exhausting, unfulfilling suburban life you hate is university student’s unattainable dream

Mystical ayahuasca experience concludes with survey for chance to win $25 Amazon gift card

Alberta proves private healthcare is more efficient at generating scandals

New study finds pushing feelings way deep down inside is best option for everyone

Ford to execute first prisoner by using Ontario healthcare system

Injured ham sandwich rushed to Mayo Clinic

Editorial: Trump underestimates how proud, united and, most importantly, petty Canadians are

Op-Ed: The “Wicked” movie shows us what audiences really want — more films about green people

EDITORIAL: Why my cheque giveaway is great whereas Doug Ford’s cheque giveaway is desperate and terrible – by Justin Trudeau

Opinion: Bluesky is a dangerous echo chamber because no one wants to hear from me, specifically

Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already

Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans

Toddler guzzling bathwater like Nero at Bacchanal in waning days of Roman Empire

5 tips for betting on NHL preseason games while your whiny children beg you for attention

93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts

86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages

2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview

Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles

Missed Connections: You were the public urinator on Main and 5th

LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.

ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.

UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Meet the Canadians who support U.S. annexation: this 42 year old accountant sucks shit

Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why

Most popular Thanksgiving Sides in every Province

CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses

You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?

You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?

You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?

You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?

Quiz: Should you watch Barbie, Oppenheimer or 2008 Canadian WWI drama Passchendaele

Quiz: Who should you vote for in Toronto’s Mayoral Race

Quiz: Who should you vote for in the Alberta Provincial Election

QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?

Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why

Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel

Conservatives explain why Pierre Poilievre attacking ‘globalist elites’ isn’t antisemitic

Liberals explain why they can’t do anything about the housing crisis

How To Go Vegan…Next Week

Guide To: Edmonton

Guide To: St.John’s

How To Lose Weight
Merch
Support
The Book
Workshops

Man who is polling at 1% will now speak for the rest of the leaders’ debate

October 7, 2019 by Alex Huntley ( @ajhuntley )

Enjoy reading The Beaverton? Kick in a few bucks to help us survive.

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Leave this field empty if you're human:

Most Popular

Conservative man discovers secret trick to getting elected PM: running as Liberal
Trump team accidentally texts Canadian invasion plans to Ian Hanomansing
With Trump back in office, Greeks celebrate no longer being civilization that has fallen the furthest
Hudson’s Bay warns customers they have only weeks to find their way out of stores

MERCH

<img alt="merch1" src="/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Merch1.png">

"Local Man Wears Funny T-Shirt" T-Shirt

<img alt="merch2" src="/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Merch2.png">

"This Is My Winter Coat" Hoodie

<img alt="merch3" src="/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Merch3.jpg">

"I Thought The Beaverton Was Satire" T-Shirt

<img alt="merch5" src="/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Merch5.png">

"House Hippo Dad" T-Shirt

Tweets by TheBeaverton Follow @TheBeaverton

Want more satire in your life?
Check out the latest episode of our podcast

<img width="137" src="/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/new_head.png"/>

"North America's Trusted Source of News"

LEGAL

Contest
Disclaimer
Website Terms and Conditions
Cookies Policy
Privacy Policy

ABOUT

About the Show
Masthead
Content Submission Guidelines

Copyright 2010 - 2025 The Beaverton. All rights reserved.