BURLINGTON, ON – This week, local single man Damian Chedley made the difficult decision to banish the phrase ‘awesomesauce’ from all written and verbal communication.
It wasn’t an easy decision for Chedley, who described himself as ‘hella sad.’ “I still remember the first time I used awesomesauce to describe the rapper, Eminem,” reminisced Chedley. “Everybody loved it and I was feeling all the feels. It was awesomesau– sorry.”
However, Chedley continued to use awesomesauce well past its expiry date of 2012. “I just kept going,” says Chedley. “I used AwesomeSauce420 as my Playstation handle while I pwned noobs, I set it as my work email signature… I even used it as a name for my sketch comedy duo.”
Chedley realized that the slang term was well past its prime on a recent date. “Things were going great, then I mentioned that onion rings are awesomesauce, and she stabbed my hand with a fork.”
“What a sad realization,” continued Chedley. “I thought my slang game was on fleek, and yet as turnt up as I felt, it became impossible to ignore that I was being pretty basic. Maybe even a basic bitch.”
Chedley has also considered retiring the words “swag,” “ridonkulous,” and “cray,” in an ongoing effort to prune his infuriating vocabulary. However, he will continue to use the word ‘nerdgasm’ and ‘woot’ to describe Star Wars trailers, provided they are sufficiently lit.
Chedley remains optimistic that there are many obnoxious terms that he can continue to use well into 2019. Said Chedley: “Squad goals, am I gonna move forward from this setback and continue using slang that make people cringe? YASSSS QUEEEEEEN!”
