Whether it’s lying about a bearded man breaking into the house every Christmas or repeatedly subjecting them to grisly reminders of their own mortality at Hallowe’en, the holidays are about one thing: re-establishing dominance over your children through psychological manipulation. Make the most out of your Easter Egg hunt this year by using these ingenious hiding places to remind your kids that you are, and always will be, smarter, better, and taller than they are.
1. Egg Carton
Put an Easter Egg next to the regular eggs in an egg carton in the fridge. It’s the last place they’ll look – but shouldn’t it have been the first? Situational irony is a great way to demonstrate your cognitive superiority to a four year old.
2. Light Fixture
The ceiling is well out of reach, so light fixtures represent a conceptual blind spot for young ones. Tuck an egg between the bulb and the glass of your ceiling fixture, where it’ll be impossible to find. Once your child has searched every spot in the room, insist “it must just be too DARK in here!” and turn on the light. They’ll be so distracted re-searching the room they won’t even see the egg-shaped silhouette in the fixture. When they do finally spot it they’ll have to ask you to reach it, reminding them that they depend on you physically for survival.
3. Toilet Tank
As most young children have yet to tackle basic plumbing, they often don’t even realize the back of the toilet contains an accessible storage space. Best of all, the toilet remains fully functional, so you can taunt your children by making several trips to the bathroom and flushing conspicuously while they search the house.
4. Hollowed Out Book
Burrow a hole into the pages of a book big enough to conceal an egg. Don’t buy a new book for this purpose, use one that’s been sitting prominently on a shelf for years. Your kids will overlook it, knowing that a book can’t hold an egg, and that no one would go to the time and trouble to damage one enough to change that. When the hidden egg is finally revealed your kids will learn a valuable lesson about the lengths you’ll go to to make a point, the transitory nature of personal belongings, and the folly trusting their home environment.
5. On their person
Right before your egg hunt begins, give your child an Easter hug and slip an egg into their pocket. They’re your kids, so they won’t even suspect that your affectionate gesture is just a ruse so you can set them up for big laughs at their expense. As the egg hunt progresses give them hints like “You’re soooo close!” that will add to their mounting frustration and confusion.
Don’t forget to encourage them to continue the search no matter what by insisting that giving up is for babies and not the reasonable response of a rational person who’s tired of getting dicked around.
Use these hiding places together with everyday parenting techniques, like pitting your kids against each other, or losing your temper at the drop of a hat, to send your kids a holiday message they won’t be able to forget. Hoppy hunting!
