WHOVILLE—A federal court has found the Grinch not guilty of grand larceny and impersonating Santa Claus, after a controversial trial that featured bodycam evidence of the green monster stealing Christmas.
“The Grinch is a thin green line between order and anarchy,” Clarence Darrwho, lead attorney for the Grinch, told reporters in front of the courthouse “And this verdict affirms what my team maintained from the beginning: looting Whoville of all its gifts, trees and lights was an act of duty undertaken in accordance with his training.”
The case for the prosecution hinged on the video evidence, clearly showing the Grinch going house to house and loading all the material trappings of Christmas onto a sleigh which he later dumped off the side of Mount Crumpit. Judge Whobottom’s decision noted the facts were not in dispute, but found that the Grinch had to stop Christmas from coming and that the law grants him considerable leeway in deciding how to do so.
“The Grinch taught Whoville that Christmas comes without ribbons, comes without tags, without packages, boxes or bags” said a spokesperson for the Mount Crumpit Grinch Association, reading from a prepared statement. “We are relieved to see justice served and look forward to welcoming the Grinch back to active duty once he recovers from his catastrophic heart enlargement.”
Whos gathered in the town square to protest the verdict, singing peacefully and chanting “Whose Lives Matter?” But the demonstration turned to chaos after sundown, when riot police dispersed the crowds with tear gas and sonic cannons.
In a related story, investigators have dropped charges against a reindeer for running over Grandma, claiming insufficient evidence to pursue the case.
