Timmins, ON – After years on a wait list, local man Paul Sutton is safely recovering from the surgical removal of his soul, which has allowed him to hold over 70 more opinions.
“There’s still some discomfort but I do feel a lot better,” said Sutton, 38, who, thanks to the surgery, has recently firmed up his views on assisted suicide. “Or at least I feel better than all those idiots who think Omar Khadr deserved that settlement.”
Though soul-removal is usually an elective surgery, Sutton’s doctors considered his opinion volume a health risk after noticing his massive point of view was pressing up against his internal organs.
“He started gushing beliefs as soon as we opened him up,” said Dr. Cecily Wong. “In seconds, the operating table was covered in his stance on gender neutral washrooms, immigration, and high-waisted jeans.”
Though many believe the surgical option to be extreme, Dr. Wong assures the public that the soul, like the spleen and appendix, is handy but ultimately unnecessary.
“In medicine, we sometimes call it the ‘idiot’s kidney’,” said Dr. Wong.
But detractors of the procedure say that the soul is necessary for proper blood circulation, and without his soul, Sutton’s opinions will metastasize more easily into bias and prejudice.
“90% of stage 4 extremism starts with a guy saying, ‘you know what I think?’” warned leading soul-biologist, Dr. Amos Welch. “The soul helps your body keep this in check. Well, usually.”
Relieved to have all the free space for his thoughts on immigration, Sutton is already planning his next trip under the knife, when he will have his ribs removed to facilitate autofellatio.
