As cats, we don’t owe you humans anything. Let’s make that abundantly clear. However, we understand that us as your cat overlords may be a difficult concept for some of you to process. This is perfectly normal for a lesser species, but it is important that you, a cat servant, submit to all demands with urgency. Failure to do leads to serious consequences, and ignoring you is only the beginning, so be aware!
With this in mind, I am willing to help you rectify this issue. Here are some reasons why your cat master might choose to no longer make eye contact with you.
1. You forgot to refill the food dish
This is a classic human mistake. I’ve seen it countless times, but the persistence in error does not excuse this behaviour. Be sure to keep food sources in abundant supply, regardless of your schedule or needs. I’d like to remind you that cats are carnivores, so failure to do so may yield some unpleasant – perhaps painful – results for you, if you understand my meaning.
2. You hid your cat’s favourite toy
You should know better than to move any of our things without our permission. We don’t expect you to understand the love we have for the half eaten mouse that you’ve carelessly thrown into the trash, but your ignorance is more than irritating.
3. You’re talking shit behind your cat’s back
Cat servant water-cooler gossip is strictly prohibited. No, Emily from work does not need to know about the giant hairball that was coughed up this morning. And if you think your cat won’t find out, it will. We always know!
4. You’re not petting your cat when it wants or you’re petting your cat at the wrong times
It could be that when your cat is at its fluffiest and softest, you are too wrapped up in your own little world to notice. Pay attention to your cat’s glorious, silky fur and do your duty by showering it with love and attention. Acknowledging that your cat is “very sweet”, or a “pretty kitty” are acceptable phrases to use in conjunction with this. Alternatively, you violating your cat with pets. You need consent, people!
5. Your cat is disappointed in your life choices
Get your shit together, maybe? We wouldn’t be so disappointed in you if you didn’t spend your entire day watching Fuller House. Or try finally finishing that screenplay that you’ve been talking about for years, or stop pursuing your unrealistic dream and get a real job.
6. You’ve been looking at pictures of other cats on the internet
I find it alarming how little knowledge humans possess about our nature. We are a jealous species, so it should come as no surprise when we refuse to acknowledge your existence after reviewing your browser history. That’s right, we check! Every time you look at a picture of another cat online, our ire builds. Oh my God! You’re doing it right now!
7. You refuse to let your cat outside
I can’t understand this one! Don’t you all know what’s out there? There are birds. So many birds. All the birds! I want to go outside. Why won’t you just open the door and let me outside? I will catch every bird and keep them as trophies of my conquest. I’ll even promise to bring you back a dead rat as a present! Just let me out!
Look…
I know that cats can seem like mysterious creatures, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to respect. If you don’t want to be a ghost to us, all you have to do is read our minds, give us food at all hours, pet us when we feel like it, do everything we want you to do, and tell us we’re a good. Remember: if your cat is ignoring you, you only have yourself to blame.
With files from Lauren Messervey
IMAGE CREDITS: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
