YOUR HOMETOWN — An urgent press bulletin has confirmed that your beloved childhood pet, the one whose tragic passing you thought you would never recover from, is still “deceased, departed, bereft of life, d-e-a-d-DEAD!”
Late last night, a team of cloaked researchers dug up the corpse of your beloved dog from the grave your father dug in the backyard. Beneath the earth, the researchers found little but a few sad bones, a faded collar, and a ‘goodbye’ letter you wrote as a child, which didn’t make it to heaven. In the yard the team also found other buried pet corpses, mementos from your childhood, and a metaphorical box containing your broken heart.
Although they can’t say with absolute certainty, the researchers stated that rather than passing on to a better place, your beloved childhood pet probably stopped existing altogether when it died. They could find no reason why a hypothetical celestial heaven would include dogs and, although they’re waiting on results from another study, the team believes that there is no afterlife at all.
Past research has shown with 94% certainty that everyone dies alone, particularly beloved pets. Attached with the bulletin, the team included a drawing of your childhood self crying over the corpses of everyone you’ve ever loved. ‘NO GOD’ was written over the drawing in a large typeface.
The news of your long-dead pet’s continued lifelessness has caused some to ask why this research was being performed in the first place, particularly you. When reached for comment, the research group explained that you had been having a pretty good couple of days and it had been a while since you were consumed by an all-encompassing sorrow.
