TORONTO – Despite not having played a game in several days, Toronto FC forward Sebastian Giovinco’s body has not allowed him to stop scoring goals, netting thirty-two in total across venues like his home, the grocery store, and church.
“It would be a great gift to be able to stop scoring goals,” lamented Giovinco as he kicked a cash register into the top corner of the Bay while purchasing a new belt. “I am so tired. I cannot partake in any joyous moments with my family. My sister just had a baby and I begged her not to let me hold it! I fear I would be compelled to boot the newborn into her crib from sixty yards out.”
While useful on the pitch, his goal-scoring prowess has made his everyday life unbearable. Giovinco’s wife Shari says it has required many adjustments in their home life.
“For example, I can no longer leave fruit out,” explained Shari. “And not just the ball-shaped ones like oranges or apples. He will kick a full bunch of bananas into the dishwasher, then remove his shirt and dance in celebration. Never even mind what happens in the bedroom.”
“Our romantic situation is not good,” confirmed Giovinco. “I get distracted by setting up a bunch little nets everywhere and, well, you get the idea. I haven’t even kissed my wife in weeks because I’m afraid I will unable to stop myself from head-butting her into the laundry hamper for a cheeky goal.”
Giovinco has been expressly banned from several public institutions including the ROM and AGO; a team source said that a recent charity game against kids from the Make-a-Wish foundation went horribly.
“You know…for the kids,” added the source. “Sebastien had a great game, aside from his constantly shouting ‘I’m sorry, children! I wish I could stop! Please kill me, children!’ He was just unstoppable.”
Toronto FC coach Greg Vanney said the team is concerned about Giovinco’s well-being, and are looking into possible causes for the unstoppable scoring streak.
Dr. Anna Czerwinski, a sports medicine specialist, said that it was difficult to obtain blood results from Giovinco. Every time a nurse approached with a syringe, he managed to cradle the needle expertly with his chest, absolutely embarrassing the nurse with a series of impossible dribbles, before firing the syringe into the bio-waste disposal unit on the wall.
“Also, you know, we could wait until after the playoffs to cure this,” Vanney suggested.
Following the medical exam, experts cringed as Giovinco casually strolled into a Faberge egg store.
