EAST RUTHERFORD – Minutes before kickoff of an NFL game, New York Jets cornerback Derrelle Revis and Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten overheard each other praying to the same god for victory.
“I was halfway through ‘God, I ask for your help in crushing my opponents,’” explained Revis. “And suddenly I hear Witten over there saying nearly the same thing.”
Witten confirmed the account: “Yeah I was asking Lord Jesus God Above to make sure I destroy my enemies, then I see Derrelle talking. I was like, ‘who are you talking to?’ and he’s like ‘Christian god, you wouldn’t know him.’ Then I was like, ‘whoa. Something’s up.’”
There was a tense standoff as both Revis and Witten accused each other first of copying, and then god theft. As others came in to break up the skirmish, it became clear that players and coaches on both sides had also prayed to the same god at some point in the day.
“It was shocking for everyone,” admitted Cowboys coach Jason Garrett. “We couldn’t start the game. We were too scared, because we realized that if both sides had prayed for victory, and one side lost, it might might prove god fallible. We talked and everyone agreed that our existence does rely on an infallible creator, so we had to call the league office on this one.”
The delay was announced on the stadium’s jumbotron in an effort to allay concerns. This only added to the problem, however, as fans of both teams also realized they had been praying to the same god as well.
Commissioner Roger Goodell was flown in for an emergency meeting with referees. After several hours, it was concluded that the game would be played with the added stipulation that the winner would ultimately be proven to carry more favour with the heavens.
“I always try to be a good Christian soldier,” explained Jets center Nick Mangold. “Before today that was just a metaphor, but I guess now I’m literally going to war in an attempt to win the favour of the lord, and to execute some of the new play sets coach has given us.”
As the teams took the field, Jets coach Todd Bowles hinted that his team had a potential edge in god support as Muslim defensive end Muhammad Wilkerson had separately been praying to Allah.
