Meaford, ON – A group of four hopeless geeks have begun to be more outspoken and confident, a behaviour their parents and classmates attribute to the release of the Netflix program Stranger Things.
Billy Liebermayer, Chad Nelson, Jeremy Daniels and Aaron Khan are considered significant dweebs in their grade eight class at Meaford’s Georgian Public School. But in recent weeks, they have begun to wear their loser qualities as badges of honour.
“We just want people to know that we’re here, and we’re ready to solve whatever mystery that might happen,” Liebermayer stated boldly.
“We’re very worried,” expressed Libermayer’s mother Cheryl. “They watch Stranger Things and they start acting like they’re the heroes in their life story. It’s going to be a harsh comedown when they realize that, at best, they are the hero’s weird friend who gets eaten really early on.”
“I love my son,” added Todd Nelson, Chad’s father. “But these guys need to realize that they’re not, like, cute TV ugly; they’re just real life ugly. This is going to get them into big trouble.”
Inspired by the show, the foursome has been seen trying to befriend some of the girls in their class, a behaviour which everyone agrees they are absolutely not ready for.
The emboldened boys have also created undue extra work for their teachers. Georgian Public science teacher Sandra Harley has complained that the boys keep asking for her help with “paranormal stuff”, and even asked if she had a HAM radio.
“A HAM radio?” exclaimed an exasperated Harley. “First of all, of course not. It’s 2016, not the 80s you nerdlingers. Secondly, I beat up the kids who used HAM radio when I was in school.”
Some of the local bullies are happy about the boys’ newfound belief in themselves, as it has become far more convenient to administer noogies and atomic wedgies now that the foursome is outside more often.
“It’s great,” confirmed Roy O’Brien, in between flushes of a toilet in which he was dunking Daniels’ head. “I used to have to wait all day for these poindexters to show themselves. Now they’re out here trying to stand up to me. It’s hilarious, and so convenient for me.”
Enough residents have complained that the Meaford Municipal Council is considering faking the deaths of one of the four kids in some sort of shadowy conspiracy, with the hope that this will cause the other three to get frightened and play quietly inside again.
