FREDERICTON – Drawing her long sword into the air, newly appointed Celtic Affairs Minister has promised the Celtic people of her province protection from the Roman invasion, which threatens their way of life.
“Fellow New Brunswickers, our villages and cities need protection from the onslaught of Caesar’s army,” trumpeted Lisa Harris, a newly appointed cabinet minister who has been dubbed ‘the Saviour of the Celts’. “Let us pray to Calamus, the god of war and sky, that this new military spending bill makes its way through the provincial legislature, that we may smite upon the Romans with our wooden chariots, war axes and Sea King helicopters.”
The Romans, who have been rampaging unchecked across New Brunswick since the Ides of February, have already filled the bowels of the colosseum with captives named Doug, Gordie, and Mack.
“When Roman blood spills on the street of Miramichi- Ack, Ack,” said Harris, picking something off of her tongue. “Christ, I got some of this blue paint in my mouth.”
Since her appointment, Harris has rounded up the one Roman living in New Brunswick, Artie Laziale, owner and proprietor of Laziale’s Pizzeria, and has fed him to the fires of Ambisagrus, King of Thunder.
The new minister also promised more iron ore for for killing faeries, a victory festival after the Romans were defeated, and one sheep’s head per clan.
“I will address our infrastructure crisis by removing all roads and plumbing, and by constructing a giant circle of standing stones. And maybe a new gas plant.”
The appointment of a Celtic Affairs minister is the biggest step forward for Celtic Canadians since everything else in Canadian history.
with files from Alex Huntley and Alexander Saxton
