TORONTO – In a landmark decision, a judge has awarded ownership of the entire width of the sidewalk to new couple Kris Summers and Alex Teale. Anyone occupying sidewalk space in their vicinity will now be legally required to step onto a lawn or into the street in order to pass them.
“I’m very proud. My clients have discovered a love truer than any other,” said lawyer Jamie Dufresne in a press conference. “They have proven so in the two months they’ve been together, and by all accounts their love should continue to grow forever and ever.”
Judge Leslie Sands ruled that the couple was simply far too in love to be expected to unclasp their hands and suffer through a physical separation that could last up to seconds. He added that evidence unequivocally indicated Summers was Teale’s “one true bugguwy-wugguwy-wuv”.
The ruling will be applied going forward to any couple who receives approval of an Application for Sidewalk Monopolization. Only couples who have celebrated fewer than three “monthaversaries” will be considered, and those approved will be required to display a special permit, plus a photo ID of an adorable selfie, in clear sight.
The decision is not without controversy. Groups of jacked bros cruising for a party; slow-moving tourists walking four-abreast; and people refusing to look up from their smartphones have all lobbied for exclusive sidewalk use in the past and have been turned away.
Plus, awarding this coveted space to new couples may embolden them to take over other public spaces. University of Ottawa law professor Tracy Wilcox worries this will become a slippery slope: “I can see this leading to allowances made for smooching on public transit, whispering baby talk at dinner parties, and other more serious PDAs.”
Many insist they will stand staunchly against the judge’s ruling. Avid sidewalk user Ken Noble said he plans to protest by refusing to cede passage to hand holding couples, and to walk incredibly slowly in the middle of the sidewalk when a couple approaches from behind.
“And I got other plans too,” added Noble. “Like if a couple’s walking towards me, I’m thinking I’ll Red Rover them. Y’know maybe I break through, but maybe they keep their hands clasped and they kinda catch me. What then? Maybe I just join their relationship? That’d be nice.”
Teale and Summers could not be reached for comment as they are currently lost in each other’s eyes.
