REGINA – Neo-Nazis worldwide are rejoicing this week amid the revelation that Adolf Hitler, former genocidal Chancellor of Germany from 1933-1945, had a micro-penis. The celebrations come as a result of those same Neo-Nazis realizing that they now share one more thing in common with their beloved fuhrer: a tiny, insignificant penis.
“I never really shared the fact that I have an infinitesimally miniscule dong with my white brothers,” reported Cy Gumphry, a local member of the Knights of Aryan Purity, “but when the news came out, I realized that everyone else was standing that much more confidently. Turns out we all have micro-penises! And we were all too embarrassed to admit it until now!”
“All believers in white power have small dicks. All of them!” he continued.
Experts have long searched for indications as to what Hitler’s genital regions were like, with theories ranging from Ken doll-like smoothness to a sharp, pinwheel like creature with jagged edges, or even an innie-penis (or “pinnie”). This new discovery, however, is the first confirmation that Hitler had junk but that it was very, very, very, very small.
“White supremacists have had a long history of altering their physical bodies to resemble Adolf Hitler, including adoption of his dumb little moustache to wearing copious amounts of black leather even in extremely hot weather,” said Professor Juliet Northridge, a scholar of neo-modern right wing extremists, “so this micro-penis finding is a huge thrill for them. Not just because they now know what Hitler’s dick looks like – something they’ve been obsessed over for some time – but because none of them need to alter their own genitals to resemble him.”
“All white supremacists have tiny penises. All of them!” she concluded.
The rejoicing is not limited to extremist groups, however. Members of mainstream society are similarly excited to learn that it will be that much more difficult for Neo-Nazis to procreate and that effectively spreading their hate will now require a pair of tweezers, a patient partner, and a string of apologies.
“Look, we all know that Hitler, he only had one ball. Goering, he had two but they were small. Himmler, had something similar. But Dr. Goebbels had no balls at all,” said Gumphry, “but mutilating your own testicles – as we all do – can only get you so far down the road of achieving the perfect human form. Let those big-donged Jews, Blacks, Gays, and Gypsies beware! We’re coming for you with the most powerful weapon in our arsenal: a microscopic penis and something we’re now all obviously compensating for!”
“All people who subscribe to the concept of the superiority of the white race have baby dicks. All of them!” Gumphry reminded everyone.
