LAS VEGAS – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has publicly demanded that the US-Canadian border be secured by stationing US Navy submarines along its entire stretch.
“We need to demonstrate the full might of the American military in order to dissuade terrorists,” announced Dr. Carson on his way into the GOP debate, “and the best way to do that is to deploy our most powerful weapons of war along our most precarious naval boundary: the Canadian border.”
“That way we can prevent another 9/11 where, as everyone knows, terrorists swam across the Canadian border in order to hijack the planes that were sitting on the other side,” he added.
Carson’s plan, published in further detail on his website, would see submarines airlifted from Navy shipyards across the US and dropped at regular intervals onto the predominantly dry land which makes up the 8,891 kilometre-long boundary. The vessels would continue to be manned by a full crew, including a captain and dive officer, despite the fact that they would be rendered completely immobile.
However Dr. Carson, a retired neurosurgeon with no military command experience, does not appear to be stopping there, with scattered reports of him personally attempting to secure the border.
“I swear I saw him late this afternoon over on the Washington side nailing up these big homemade “Keep Out” signs on the trees every 20 metres,” said Jim Truman, a B.C. native, “it was actually kind of adorable, the “E” was backwards on most of them and he was wearing these cute overalls with one strap undone and paint splattered all over them. I think he saw me too because he looked my way and shook his fist and pointed at the sign.”
