DEER CREVICE, ON – Despite searching nearly everywhere, professional ventriloquist Alfred “The Amazing” de Lancy cannot find his best dummy, “Buster”, or the gleaming 8-inch kitchen knife that usually sits in the cutlery drawer.
“Aw nuts,” said de Lancy as he rustled around a closet, leaving his back exposed. “I’ve got a big show tomorrow and also some celery I want to cut into snack size pieces!”
“Buster” has been used in de Lancy’s stage shows for nearly fifteen years, but the ventriloquist says this is the first time he’s gone completely missing.
“I’ve actually been meaning to throw Buster away,” said de Lancy, while cleaning his horn-rimmed glasses. “I had already bought this shiny new doll, Roger, as a replacement. Of course, some sicko ripped Roger limb from limb right after he arrived. I don’t even know how they got into my dressing room. It was locked from the inside.”
“And also: I just sharpened that knife,” continued de Lancy, rubbing his bald head in frustration. “Just my luck.”
de Lancy is currently known for his highly entertaining nightclub shows, but previously made his fortune doing children’s television and theatre.
“Maybe it’s for the best that he’s gone, Buster always was a little too lifelike,” said de Lancy, feeling around under his bed without looking. “He always made the kids upset. Yeah, this’ll definitely be his last show.”
de Lancy then apologized as his power was suddenly shut off.
“Oh great, and now I have to look in the dark,” said the ventriloquist. “Wait, did… did you hear that?”
At press time, a bald dummy, wearing horn-rimmed glasses, had been added to de Lancy’s collection although de Lancy himself had missed his last few performances.
