OTTAWA – One week into his trial for financial misconduct, Conservative Senator Mike Duffy has attempted to bill his Senate expense account for legal fees.
“I figured that this trial would have important implications for the future use of Senate expense accounts, so it counts as official business,” Duffy said. “Just like that time Pat [Brazeau] tested the rules on installing a stripper pole in the Upper House.”
Other things claimed on Duffy’s expense form included:
– A $30,000 subscription to Senate Expense Scandal Monthly
– Vanity bumper sticker reading ‘My other car is also paid for by misappropriated taxpayer dollars’
– Map of Prince Edward Island
– Travel expenses for Pamela Wallin
– Multiple tubes of Dome Wax
– Down payment on the legal fees for his next financial misconduct trial
– Down payment on Patrick Brazeau’s new strip club, ‘Crazy Pat’s Vagina Lounge’
– Travel Expenses for Pamela Wallin’s identical twin sister, Edna, who is never seen in the same room at the same time as Pamela
– Shredding expenses for documents linking PM Harper to the scandal
– A $60,000 dollar subscription to Hypocritical Fiscal Conservative Rhetoric Monthly
Members of the Conservative party have flocked to Duffy’s defense, stating that, while they don’t support stealing from taxpayers outright, they do support using taxpayer money for anything that doesn’t help people.
“Am I happy Duffy stole all that money? Of course not,” said PM Stephen Harper. “But he managed to divert $90,000 away from useless garbage like employment insurance and infrastructure maintenance. For that, I can’t thank him enough.”
Other members, though, aren’t so supportive. Huntsville MP Tony Clement slammed Duffy, saying that the funds he misused could have instead been misused to build gazebos in Clement’s home riding.
At press time, the Senate promised it would become more effective and equal after a quick five minute nap.
