FERGUSON, MO – Residents of Ferguson, Missouri are in shock today after a violent conflict with Michael Brown’s memorial tree lead to a justified arborcide and the removal of a plaque.
“This is horrible, an absolute tragedy,” said police officer David Lewis. “That being said, the tree was clearly cut down after it raised its branches threateningly and seemed poised to charge. At that point the suspect pulled out his saw and began hacking away.”
“We are attributing the loss of the memorial plaque to a gang or drug-related robbery as the tree had friends in those communities.”
The event happened only 24 hours after the allegedly dangerous tree was planted. Police currently have no suspects, but have released several statements about the tree itself.
“We aren’t trying to slander the allegedly violent tree,” said police chief Al Eickhoff. “But we do want everyone to know the tree was probably a criminal and was almost certainly under the influence of drugs at the time of the sawing. We feel that this will allow citizens of Ferguson to come to the same conclusions as police, namely that we are better off without the tree.”
Much of the white population of Ferguson is grateful that the tree was removed before it could do more harm to the community. Many had previously complained of deciduous and coniferous saplings moving into nice, quiet neighbourhoods and making them unsafe.
“I’m positive it was justified and, honestly, whoever did it is a goddamn hero,” said Ferguson resident Daniel Smith. “There’s no way that immobile, non-sentient tree didn’t attack him outright. Some of these plants are just animals.”
At press time, a video that showed the tree being cut down without provocation had been dismissed by police for being biased.
