OTTAWA – Despite initial fears that the Conservatives would be unable to balance the 2015 budget, finance minister Joe Oliver has managed to scrape together a small surplus, after promising to scrap some seven million Canadians.
“The important thing to consider here is that the government is technically in the black,” said Oliver. “I don’t see what else could ever possibly be important.”
The budget, which predicts a surplus of just $1.4 billion, stipulates that its calculations are assuming 20% of the population will ‘die, or otherwise cease to exist in the next 12 months’.
“Considering that 20% of the population is black, aboriginal, or poor, this budget really isn’t any different from past budgets,” the Prime Minister said. “The only change is that now CSIS has the funding to shut them up while we wait for them to disappear.”
While Elizabeth May has hammered the budget for not even containing the words ‘climate change’, Oliver has fired back by saying that those hardest hit by the effects of climate change were the poorest fifth, who now, ‘for all intents and purposes no longer exist’.
Oliver also defended his decision to delay funding for infrastructure and manufacturing to ‘a non election year’.
“While we are letting those things stagnate, we’re giving Canadian families a new way to get around,” said Oliver. “We’re introducing a property tax break on landing pads for the personal jets we assume most Canadian families already have.”
One fifth of the population is only the latest program to be cut by the Harper Government. Other gutted programs include : The long form census, the Health Council of Canada, vaccination education, safety and security programs for transport Canada, a federal disaster relief emergency fund, federal libraries for fisheries and oceans, healthcare, the environment, foreign affairs, heritage, citizenship and immigration, and public works, and, finally, another one fifth of the population.
At press time, a further drop in the price of oil had forced the government to re-balance the budget by dismantling Quebec and selling it for scrap.
