FERGUSON, MO – Following a grand jury’s decision not to indict him for killing unarmed teenager Michael Brown, Darren Wilson announced Sunday that he has resigned from the Ferguson police department to pursue a full-time career as a murderer.
“The whole reason I got into law enforcement,” explained Wilson, “was so that I could kill people, especially black ones, legally. But this ordeal has helped me realize that, as a white male in America, I don’t need a badge to murder non-white males. I can do it literally any time I want, in broad daylight, with dozens of eyewitnesses watching, and not get so much as a slap on the wrist. So why burden taxpayers?”
Despite massive legal bills and Ferguson mayor James Knowles’ refusal to grant him any form of severance pay, Wilson added that he has no intention of killing for money, thanks to the generosity of supporters who’ve raised $500,000 and counting in donations.
“I like to think of myself an artist. Angry white racists are my patrons, and the uncracked skulls of defenseless black youth are my canvas.”
