BEIJING – After being praised for his commitment to environmental catastrophe, Stephen Harper kicked the annual Festival of the Polluted Moon off by throwing a bag of flaming garbage into a massive pile of tires.
“May this burning stack of rubber provide a sober commemoration of all the other rubber, coal, and hydrofluorocarbons that may never have a chance to slowly degrade our atmosphere,” said Harper, to wild applause. “Now let’s dredge some pig carcasses out of the river and start grilling!”
The current visit is only the latest move in Harper’s charm offensive against the Asian superpower. Just this past autumn, Harper ratified a FIPA trade agreement with China, allowing for the free exchange of burning rubber, singed plastic, and petromummified bird carcasses between the two nations.
“Just obliterating liveable ecosystems has been a national tradition of ours for over sixty years,” said Chinese premier Xi Jinping. “It’s so beautiful to know that such fundamental values can transcend cultures.”
Foreign affairs experts say that this is Harper’s biggest hearts-and-minds victory overseas since he cast the first stone at Saudi Arabia’s civil illiberties festival in 2010.
