TORONTO – Notorious drug user Rob Ford has stepped down from his mayoral candidacy and been replaced by his brother, notorious drug dealer Doug Ford.
“Torontonians want someone discreet, who shows up on time, and always has primo stuff,” Doug Ford told reporters from behind the tinted rolled-down window of an Escalade. “That is what my decades in dealing with residents has taught me, and I have the experience to deliver.”
Ford said there was lots of errant money to be found at City Hall, and promised to “clean the place up” by investing in a variety of restaurants and car washes.
The press conference, held at a plaza on Royal York Road that he casually referred to as “The Drift”, was interrupted when Ford received a phone call.
“Yes, please put the, um, football equipment in the garage,” remarked Ford to who he nervously referred to as his ‘campaign manager’. “That’s right, the Afghan football equipment.”
He then told reporters that “they never saw this” and crushed the flip phone, recently purchased from a 7-11, with his hand before throwing it into a gutter.
When asked about how his switch with his brother affected the race for Toronto mayor, Ford simply replied: “game’s the same, just got more fierce.”
At press time, Randy Ford – Doug’s older brother – intended to run for Ward 4 councillor, but was too busy with a hostage to register before the deadline.
