Thinking about starting a family? Remember, having children requires a sense of optimism about humanity that you haven’t possessed since childhood.
Aquaraius (January 20 – February 18)
Your desire to give back to the world is quashed when you realize they have a strict no returns policy.
Pices (February 19 – March 20)
You will text the TTC for streetcar arrival times even though you’re not going anywhere, just to get a text.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will realize that this whole time, you were never hungry, just empty inside.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was a boomerang, because love is impermanent but the laws of physics are absolute.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
You will discover that there is a very fine line between “being bummed out” and “picking up the phone even though you know it’s a collections agency just to hear another human voice say your name”.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Alone on Friday night, you will walk to your closest Goodwill just to not be alone, and get shit on by a pigeon, for emphasis.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember, life is a precious gift that only seven billion of us currently posses. Don’t waste it, buy that flamethrower today!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will choose Toy Story 3 as a feel-good movie to get over your recent break-up. You will have made a mistake.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
They say write to what you know. Your blog “How to be Cool and Popular” is doomed.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Congratulations on breaking your own record of Most Food Eaten in a 24 Hour Period!
Saggitarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s time you start to live each day like it’s your last: by realizing it’s too late to change anything and regretting everything you’ve ever done that led up to this moment.
