OTTAWA – To prepare the 2014 budget for its unveiling, sources report that Flaherty’s top aide, Luisa McManus, worked round the clock to remove all obscenities from the document.
“How much work has it been? Well, it starts with ‘You shitbirds ready for some mutherfuckin’ fiscal responsibility?’ Does that give you an idea?” said the visibly exhausted McManus. “I guess he’s just excited about all the attention.”
The federal budget, the most important economic document in Parliament, is reported to be nearly 250-pages, with 75 of those taken up by the Minister for Finance’s copious profanity.
Military spending is justified by “being the only goddamn thing keeping those fucking Korean Commies from dropping a missile on our dicks” and healthcare cuts are “savings we can afford as long as you dumbfuck cocksuckers are smart enough to stay healthy for once in your stupid lives”.
While many of the four-letter words are just sprinkled throughout the text, some pages are just the word “fuck”, “ass”, or “douche-horse” repeated over and over. “Sometimes he takes a ‘rap break’,” said McManus. “‘My name’s Jim Flaherty but call me James the Large / Like NAFTA, I’ll cross your Southern border with no tariff charge’. His rhymes are tight but I feel like it’s entirely unnecessary.”
Flaherty’s former aide, Kevin McCarthy, says this is all just part of the job.
“Yeah, I remember a few sleepless nights back in 2012 trying to get the budget down to at least PG-13. [McManus] should just thank God he’s stopped drawing pictures.”
