ETOBICOKE – Six weeks ago, 56-year old racist Stan Youngson became puzzled by a bag of Uncle Ben’s White Rice at a local No Frills, and has been struggling with it ever since.
“I just can’t wrap my head around it”, Stan muttered repeatedly at home in his underwear. “I mean, he’s one of them, and I fucking hate those guys! But then his rice is one of us, and it tastes so good, which maybe makes him…doesn’t it? Man, it just doesn’t add up”.
Relatives and neighbours worry Stan’s been deeply affected by the rice-race quandary, noting that he’s been ranting less in his white empowerment blog, isolating himself from hate-friends, and missing his airport customs officer shifts frequently.
And it’s not only those close to him that have noticed: “Yeah, normally the slurs he throws at me over the counter are pretty bad, which I’m used to, it’s Stan, adorable”, explained long-time No Frills clerk Aleesha Wallace. “But he’s changed. When I look in his eyes now, there’s no hate, there’s no fire…he just looks lost and socially acceptable, even said thank you. It’s weird. And he’s damn scared of the long grain shelf in Aisle 8”.
At the request of family, the No Frills location responsible has pledged to temporarily remove all Uncle Ben’s products from shelves, as well as Oreo cookies, Neapolitan ice cream brands, and Dr. Blackman’s pure white-chocolate skinny thins.
