TORONTO – Sources inside city hall have revealed that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford spent the entirety of Sunday night and early morning Monday meticulously planning his next highly anticipated public misstep.
“People loved it when I walked into that TV camera but I figure we need to up the ante a bit,” said the exhausted politician, “Something to really knock their socks off! No more falling down while trying to hike a football or smoking crack in dingy basements. Who am I? Ralph Klein? This press conference is going to show the world what real determination and ingenuity can do. Renata, hand me those banana peels!”
The controversial public figure worked well past sunrise perfecting the time delays for the fireworks and properly positioning the nearsighted old man, stopping only for a quick cat nap around 6:45AM.
“It’s has to be perfect,” said Ford to his assembled crew right before his 9AM press conference, “Remember to wait for my signal. It’ll be when I grab [Ward 9 councilwoman] Maria Augimeri’s left breast. Gosh, I wish I wasn’t so tired.”
At press time, Ford had fallen asleep into a poorly placed custard pie.
