TORONTO – Darwin, the seven-month old Rhesus monkey apprehended at the North York Ikea yesterday evening has come forward to say that he regrets causing a “literal media circus.”
Darwin was quick to dismiss the media hype surrounding his winter coat and diapers. “I do not think that I am people. My owner put the jacket on me because it was cold. My owner put those diapers on me because I am an animal, and I will gladly shit inside of a house.”
When asked for a response to the “Ikea Monkey for Mayor” meme, Darwin said, “That is idiotic. Rob Ford did a far better job than I ever could. Unlike me, Rob Ford is able to live inside a house without shitting everywhere. I am a monkey.”
At press time, Darwin had been brought to a primate sanctuary. When asked for comment on his new ‘digs’, Darwin told reporters “people in the Congo are having their hands cut off right now.”
